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Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
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I want you to take a step in this with me. I have done alot of reflecting lately. Mostly today in the hard times today has brought. I know in the roughest patch I can be in, God is still there shining down on me showing he has not left my side. Everything I have done I don't deserve his love. Yet, He doesn't leave my side. He is the only true man that I know of and will ever know of.
I thought back on about two years ago.. being at home.. senior year.. when I thought life could not get any h arder with no friends.. no life.. but home.. There is one song that just felt to hit home to me.. I don't know why at that time.. but now it makes so much sence to me.. I will share the song at the end of this entry. That song I used to sing over and over and over againa nd just break down in tears. I would cry myself to the point where all I could do was laugh.. Life has a funny way of showing you things. Life has a horrible way of leaving you in the dust. Life has the wonderful affect of you live once. You can't get tomorrow back... you can't get last year back... You may not always get what you want. You have to look for the reason in it. You have to look into the reason of why you are not what or who you wanted to be. No matter where you are.. you can succeed in life. I want to succeed. I want to live. I want to be a happier person. I know the steps I need to take.
I need to forgive myself.
I need to forget the past.
I need to love myself.
Once I can achieve that last one.. I will be the happiest woman in life. Before I can love myself.. I need to forgive myself for all the mistakes I have done or caused anyone. Once I truely do that, I will have a greater relationship with God.
Then I need to get everything out that I have done wrong. I won't do it here. I will do it in a private entry. I need to get it out of this bottle locked inside. I need to cry to let it drain out.
I know I need to live a healthier life. No one lives forever. Healthy defines in food.. in my relationship.. in my daily life.. the way I act.. the way I talk.. the way I look.. the way I do what I do...
I realize everything said in here takes time. I am making the time for me.. because I am not wasting my life for anyone. It's about what God wants of me.. I will follow his word. Though I stray away from the right path every now and than.. but I always find my way back. Without him.. I wouldn't be who I am.. I wouldn't be here without him..
I have one of the greatest friends in the world. She knows who she is...
Now on to this song...
She hangs around the boulevard
She's a local girl with local scars
She got home late, She got home late
She drank so hard the bottle ached
And she tried, and she tried,
And she tried, and she tried
But nothing's clear in a bar full of flies
So she takes and she takes
She takes and she takes
She understands when she gives it away She says "Man I've gotta get out of this town.
Man I've gotta get out of this pain.
Man I've gotta get out of this town,
Out of this town and out of LA." *She's got a gun, she's got a gun
She got a gun she called the Lucky One
(*She's so ashamed, she's so ashamed
She knows heaven don't want her anyway)
She left a note by the phone:
"Don't leave a message 'cause this ain't no home"
And she cried, and she cried,
And she cried, and she cried,
She cried so long her tears ran dry
And she laughed, and she laughed
She laughed and she laughed
Cause she knew knew she was never coming back She said "Man I'm gonna get out of this town.
Man I'm gonna get out of this pain.
Man I'm gonna get out of this town,
Out of this town and out of LA." It's all she loves. It's all she hates.
It's all too much for her to take
She can't be sure just where it ends
Or where the good life begins So she took a train, she took a train
To a little old town without a name
She met a man, he took her in
But fed her all the same bullshit again
Cause he lied and he lied
and he lied and he lied
He lied like a salesman selling flies
So she screamed and she screamed
And she screamed and she screamed
It's a different place but the same old thing It's all I love. It's all I hate.
It's all too much for me to take
I can't be sure where it begins
Or if the good life lies within. So she said, "Man I've gotta get out of this town.
Now I've gotta get back on that train.
Man I've gotta get out of this town.
I'm out of my pain, so I'm going back to LA.
Back to LA
Back to LA
I'm going back to LA.
I'm going back to LA."
The song that has touched me.. the song that helps me through so many things. This song you can turn up and scream to and let it all out. This song does help me. The words.. the way she says things. Just.. everything..
Ever think you have found the right person. The one you think you could spend the rest of your life with? I thought I did. Long story short I had a few eye openers. I am putting love on the back burner for now. I will wait till either he finds me or God shows me the way. My life is not about a man. It is not about someone to push me where he wants me to be and how he wants me to act. I am not a barbie. I have feelings.. I am human. Though I don't always know what I want. I know I belong to me and being in love doesn't mean that I am his. No one belongs to anyone. We belong to ourselves thats why it is the best thing to do is be true to yourself. That's what I am working on for me. I am working on me.
There is one thing I miss..
Innocense.. I miss the way I could run free.. be in a car in have to fears.. have the window down with not worrying about war. Not worrying about love, life. I was in the moment. The moment where you feel free. I wish I could get it back.. but that was one thing of the past.
I think I will let this be as it is...
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
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Stolen from Tiffany!
Open all audio files on your computer in the music player of your choice. Ask your friends to pick a number between 1 and the total number of songs that you have on your computer. Once they pick a number, upload the song that goes with that number on your playlist.
It might take me a little while to do this but yay!!
Pick a number between 1 and 950
YOU CAN CHOSE MORE THAN ONE!!!
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 27th, 2006
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for once I am calm...
I feel peaceful...
I drove back to my house in a storm tonight. the clouds were so beautiful with the gray's and blues and blacks. I saw the lightning in front of me.. i could feel him with me.. I could feel him taking all my worries away.
As the storm went over me..
I sat on the porch looking at the sun through the small tree...
so what if this all ends tomorrow. I will meet my maker face to face.. I will be safe in his kingdom...
I am crying because I am so happy. It took me this long to fight my demons.. this long to forgive myself for everything I have done... I am moving on..
I am going to be happy... no no.. I am happy. I know my future. I know what I need to do. I know who I need to live for. Its not you.. its not even me.. its for him.. I want to make him proud of me. You aren't going to judge me in the end he is.. he will see me for who I am.
thank you so much for accepting me.. thank you for taking all my burdens off of me... thank you for forgiving me for the things I have done.. I don't mean to committ the sins I do.. and i pray that you will forgive me for anything i could do to not please you.
My life... through his eyes. be prepared to be amazed..
I know what I am living for. I know what he wants me to do.. I am going after it.
I have been worrying to long about me.. I have been worrying about my life ending. so what if the end is near. Its not the end of the world. Its the end of one chapter and moving on to the lords kingdom. Its beautiful.. how could i never see that.. I could feel him with me in the car.. it's like he saved me.. thats it.. I am saved...
Thank you..
I love you..
Oh how much I love you..
the song that changed me...
Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, June 17th, 2006
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If you care I did make it to LA.
I AM REALLY HAPPY!!! I AM SCREAMING FOR JOY!!
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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OKLAHOMA CITY - A young man opened fire in a busy mall Saturday, injuring a teen before the man was shot and killed by an off-duty sheriff's deputy, authorities said.
The shooting occurred near the entrance to a department store, but there were no other injuries, said Oklahoma County sheriff's spokesman Mark Myers. The motive for the shooting was not known, he said.
The deputy, who was working as a security guard at the Crossroads Mall, was taking a break when "he heard a commotion downstairs, kind of like a couple of guys fighting, then he heard a gunshot," Myers said.
The deputy, whose name was not released, went to a railing and looked down to the first floor of the mall where he saw a young man with a gun.
"He turned around with the gun, our deputy shot him, killed the person with the gun," Myers said.
The wounded boy was taken to a nearby hospital in fair condition, according to ambulance company spokeswoman Lara O'Leary.
The identities of the two youths were not immediately released.
Oklahoma City police have been asked to assist in the investigation into the shooting, Myers said.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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In Loving memory of Callie. Born on December 25, 2005 and passed on April 30, 2006
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v231/thomson_cyndi/Family/DSCF1847.jpg[/IMG]
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 16th, 2005
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Happy 18th Birthday Tiffany!!!!!! I hope this day is great for you. You are officially legal.. almost out on your own. I love you so much hun. :)
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
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I am home.. It feels so great to be here....
Kinda feel bad that I can't see everyone.. I hate that...
I feel like.. blah.. but so happy to be home
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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My life. Well right now I am in pain.. my front tooth I got capped in August and now the pain is unbareable. I have to go back in monday.
Good things is I got Pills :) Well prescription pills and I feel a lil better
Love ya
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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I am dying right now.
My tears are finally coming out. This trip home that I have LONGED for is not going to happen. I don't have the money. My great grandma.. this could be my last time seeing her.. and I can't even see her because of money.. My 3 little sisters I won't get to see open presents this year or get to hold them in my arms. This hurts so much.
I made the biggest mistake moving here. Yes you all that know me can finally say. HAHA CASSIE I TOLD YOU SO. So what if I am crying now. So what if my heart is breaking. I try to make myself happy everyday and to be honest I have not been happy since I have been home. This isn't home.
I just want to see Brianna and hannah and my baby allyssa. Hell I miss mom. I miss everyone. My grandpa. I miss.. so so so so much.
I thought I would be happy here and I am not.. just look at me.. do I look happy..
I am gonna crawl back into bed.. and cry.. good night..
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, October 16th, 2005
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| Time: | 1:27 am. |
| Mood: | lonely. |
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I am taking a break from the internet and phone calls. Just let me be for a while. Which will be about 3 weeks. I just need to be alone. Thank you. Have a great few weeks.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, October 15th, 2005
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Right? I should update more. I mean hell I pay for this account and yet I update about once in a great while. Needless to say I have not been up to much. Let's see...
Work...
Sleep...
Hang out with John...
Talk to Tiffany...
But I will let you know how everything has been.
Around last week I finally got to go see the OKC Bombing. When I got there I was over come with emotion though I did not show it. Walking up the steps and seeing all the chairs. I went with John and asked tons of questions he seems to know more than I do about everything because I was only like 8 or 9 at the time with all happened. I do have pictures which I will put at the bottom of this entry.
( So I don't take up your page. )
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
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| Time: | 5:09 pm. |
| Mood: | hyper. | | Music: | Phone. |
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MY MOM GOES TO COLLEGE, I NEED MY CHAPSTICK, I BOUGHT A BOONDOGGLE KEYCHAIN AND..I LOVE LIFE!!!!VOTE FOR PEDRO!!!
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 7th, 2005
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Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
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This song. Lord takes me back to my childhood. All of you when you can check out Kelly Clarkson's new video because of you. I don't care if you hate her just watch the video. There is my life. Except for me with a baby.
Now read.
"Because Of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
[I am afraid of so much. I lost my grandmother when I was in middle school. No she is not dead. But in my heart she is. She left me and walks back 3 years to expect me to forget everything. I lost my dad. Well Honest truth never had a dad. He didn't want me. Nor does he now. That's something great for you child to know at a very young age. hello my name is Cassandra and I am a mistake. Nice. I lost my great grandpa he died. I remember so much about him. Though I was like 4 or 5 when he died I still feel as though he is here. Watching me.]
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
[I am making the same mistakes my father made to a point. Long story short.]
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
[I do cry everynight because I don't know my father. I wish I knew him. I wish I was wanted by him. So many people take their fathers for granted. Don't! because look. I don't have one and I am a wreck. This is why I run to a man all the time. hm.. didn't have a father so I want a guy. Wierd but if you were me you would understand.]
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
[yup. Because of you]
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, October 1st, 2005
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I want to fall in love.
How bad is that?
So I make myself laugh...
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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I love Mean Girls. It's just to.. well funny. I mean people from saturday night and just funny fat guy. It's such a great movie. Such as these quotes.
Regina: I love your skirt! Where'd you get it?
Girl: It's my mom's old skirt from the '80s.
Regina: Oh, vintage,so adorable
Girl: Thanks
Regina: [after girl walks away] That is the ugliest effing skirt I have ever seen.
Mr. Duvall: There is a serious problem here and we're going to solve it right now. I'll keep you here all night if I have to.
Secretary: We can only keep them until four.
Mr. Duvall: I will keep you here until four.
Karen: If you're from Africa, why are you white?
Gretchen: Oh my God, Karen, you can't ask people why they're white.
Student: Someone wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons... but it's not my fault I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!
Mr. Duvall: Okay, I can't do this.
Okay that made my night. :)
So I can't sleep and decided to update this great journal. To update you all on my exciting life. I knew you all would be happy! Now sit back, grab a dr. pepper (beer or like me Mike's hard lemonade) and enjoy reading this while I poor out my heart. Forgive me if this turns out to be short or long or... well I don't know.
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Well. I moved here about............ (ha had to look at the calendar) 4 months ago. So much has changed yet so much still the same. I am the same girl I believe I was when I moved here. Though I have grown a lil' more. I am just in a new house, new state, mended heart. I moved away from what I thought was bugging me back in Iowa. Needless to say that was never my problem. I am my problem. I let too much bug me. I expect too much of myself and people around me.
I moved here for a guy. *note to girls don't do it. Not right after High School. Not when you don't know who you are. Not when you aren't ready. I so believed I was ready to move out here. I strived for it. But needless to say. I don't know if it is what I want. I was going to nanny and meet so many different people and forget about my past and just LIVE. Well what has come true probably just meeting a few new people here and there. I have met a great guy let's call him Air Force. I have also met THREE amazing women I work with. They are just great and let me be me. I finally dress cute and try to have fun. Hint I try to. Okay let's back up before I said that. let's go back to this house I am living in. hm... I am not happy here. Tiffany knows that. Tiffany knows what my heart desires. Watch Closer and thats my life. It tells you what i will end up doing. I am Julia Roberts in that movie. I care too much about other people that I forget about me. I forget about my feelings about my happiness. I forget I have needs too. I have MY ONE and ONLY LIFE TO LIVE. So why don't I live it like I have no regrets. I am afraid of regjection. Air Force has offered me a place to stay until I get my feet on the ground. Problem with that is MONEY. I wouldn't have enough to get a cell phone... to pay my car insurance and to pay my bills and to find my own place. Why does life envolve money. Life would be so much better to live without money with out bills. That is the challenge of life. For me, I will end up staying stuck where I am.. regretting what I have lived and preaching to my children at what not to do. Not to turn out like me and not to be happy. Everything sounds so simple. Everyone makes it out like it can be so easy to do. When truely it is not.
I consider myself to a point the muture 19 year old. I want to get married and have children. I don't see myself the party girl. I barely drink. Only when I get alone and just need a picker upper. Hell this is the first drink I have had in a while. I just want to be happy. I know not everything is like the movies.
I just want a great guy.. to want me.. to love me.. to show me he cares.. like in his touch and when his hands run across my body... when his lips touch my skin softly.. i want to feel his arms wrap around me to show me he won't let anything happen to me.. i want to see his smile and feel his breath on my neck as he tells soft nothings... I want to lie in his arms... with no cares around me.. just me.. just him... I want to be loved and I will love in return. I want someone to wake up to every morning and to smile when I see him.. I want things I will never get. I understand that and slowly I will repsect that. As Tiffany tells me.. I shouldn't say these things so negative because it will never happen then... What if I know it is true...
I have heard from 2 different people that I sound happier then i have ever been. Maybe I am. I am as of tomorrow turning down an Arizona nanny position to try a relationship out. Maybe it's because I want it to work out so bad. I always have a good time when I am with Air Force. I am so happy I did decide to go over to his house that sunday and spend the day with him. It was great. Just being there. Just being in his arms. Feeling his kiss and just having no cares in the world. I am shy but hell we all know that. I am now just getting around to him and showing my true colors. I just love being with him. Just like one night at his house. I was about ready to leave I was sitting on his lap and he told me he loves this one way I look at him. Hell I don't remember the look I just hope it was a good one. He told me he would like to see that when I model. He has seen me model before when I was modeling with this really bad picture taker (that just sounds funny) he watched everything. I just loved his eyes upon me. It was an amazing feeling. I get so giddy when I am around him. I don't care about other things around me until I have to leave. Then I worry about coming back here. I get so unhappy when I come here. I just feel trapped in this house. With him.. it's just happiness and just feel like me. He is one of a kind. I think I made a good choice staying here then going to Arizona. We are just starting to date and just enjoy being around each other. I just get happy thinking about him... :)
I have to go to work from 1:30 to 9:30 yay for a long day at Icing! I think we get paid tomorrow or friday which will be great to get paid and pay my bills. Yes! Bills! I just need to get them paid off and get my credit cards gone so less bills and I can't spend money I don't have :) I am pretty sure I have to borrow money from Mike to pay a few. :( Ugh. Having to ask him is shit. Anyways. I think this is long update and mybed is looking well not really comfortable but hey its there. Night to all of you. or Good afternoon who ever reads this.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:49 pm. |
| Mood: | bouncy. | | Music: | "Extraordinary". |
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"Extraordinary"
You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me
Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me
I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?
So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me
I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?
I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho
Why does this song seem to fit how I feel? Everyone says I sound so much happier now then I have ever sounded.
I am so happy. I mean I smile everytime I think about his kiss or just his smile. He is nothing I have ever pictured. Just simply amazing.
We went to a vollyball game tonight and got to meet some of his friends. I am shy so I hope they all don't think I am stuck up. I just get shy. Heck I always am that way. It just takes time. The game was actually interesting. I was getting into it for awhile. It was just nice to be with him again.
I just need to get out of this shyness. Why am I afraid? Well ya'll should know how I feel about getting into a relationship. I am scared. I have been hurt before and just don't think my heart can take another strike to it. I have to call Arizona tomorrow I am turning down a 550 paying job a week to try things with this man. I believe I am making the right choice. I don't think I could get any happier.
I am just smiling and so happy.
It's just... :)
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I only add friends of mine that can handle what is going on in my life. I do not like to be judged the way that I am. So if you can handle knowing what is behind this.. you are more then welcome to add me.. But please respect this journal and the person behind this journal.
I pray you all will have a great day.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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leecassandra's journal
curious.